Dark, Cold and Empty. Depressed Blog Rant

It's cold out, the sun is setting too soon, and I feel empty. The spark I felt a few months ago is gone. I can't handle shake ups in my routine and it's starting to show. I need something, but I'm not sure what it is. Maybe I need a little drama to shake things up. Maybe it's just winter. Maybe it's just me.

I have a new appreciation for home care givers, even though my situation is short term. I need my home life back, and that makes me feel like a slug. He's in pain, but I'm the one complaining. Self-pity is what is coming to mind.

Reality has bit me hard in the butt, my rock solid husband is in a bad way. He is in so much pain (I know inside he'll get better)but I still feel useless. What would I do if something very bad happens? Would I be able to cope? Am I strong enough? If like a rug is being pulled out from under me.

Most days I'd rather be at work, the job is fine, but the social part of being in EMS is what seems to be keeping me going. The people there make me laugh, and I need that. And the passing hug helps too. Will I become too dependent on that?? Could that happen? It's the first time in my life I actualy cared about being with other people, maybe I'm letting down a few walls. Maybe that's a good thing.

I'm taking my oldest back to college today. The ride back will give me a few hours of quiet time to think. I NEED that.......lots of things to sort through.

Deep down I know everything will be ok, winter will end, hubby will get better, and some things I need to work out will get resolved. It's just the road to that point is what is killing me inside.